


if only in my dreams

by gracieli



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Meeting, Christmas fic, Fluff, Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Sad Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Soft Eddie Diaz, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:22:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28089948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracieli/pseuds/gracieli
Summary: Years before Eddie joins the 118, Buck meets him at an airport bar on Christmas day.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 261





	if only in my dreams

**Author's Note:**

> this was for the 911 Christmas calender event over on tumblr!

Of all Buck’s crappy Christmases over the past few years, he thinks that this current one might take the cake. 

It wasn’t like he had grand Christmas plans in the first place, but getting stuck inside Miami International Airport was definitely a step down from his original plans of being blissfully knocked out on connecting flights to Brazil. 

He had planned everything out over a month ago, intentionally scheduling all of his flights on Christmas day so that he didn’t have to be surrounded by reminders of everything he was missing out on, and _yeah_ , he’s fully aware of how Grinch-y it sounds. 

He kind of hates himself for it, because Christmas was - _is_ his favorite holiday, but this year everything felt...too much. It was painful to feel like he was the only person who didn’t have anyone to celebrate with, so avoidance had seemed like the best route. 

Not that it matters anymore - pretty much as soon as he made it through the security check, he learned that his first connecting flight to Dallas had been delayed five hours. So, courtesy of Delta Airlines, he’s now got plenty of time to wallow around and feel sorry for himself. 

As he’s walking aimlessly around the terminal, trying to find some place to spend the next few hours, his phone vibrates in his pocket and he cringes at the way his heart immediately rises in his throat at the sensation. 

The only person who would call him today is Maddie, and even though he hadn’t really been expecting her to call today, he couldn’t find it in himself to relinquish the small hope that she might reach out today, even if just to quickly wish him a Merry Christmas.

He wants to feel stupid for how that hope swells within him as he reaches for his phone, but he missed Maddie more than anything, just wanted to know she was okay. 

It turns out to be a spam call from a number he’s fielded calls from in the past. A sharp pang of embarrassment and disappointment erodes whatever hope he had, and he finds himself heading into the first bar he comes across. 

He tries to annoy the bartender for a while, desperate for a distraction, but she’s hardly in a talkative mood, also seemingly unthrilled with having to spend her Christmas in an airport. He gives up pretty early into the conversation and resolves to distract himself, using the random article generator on Wikipedia until he finds something that seems interesting enough to do the job. 

So he’s absentmindedly skimming through a Wikipedia page for Mons Olympus when a man approaches the bar, taking a seat at the opposite end from Buck, and _fuck_ he’s hot. He wears civilian clothes, but the dog tags and buzzcut are a dead giveaway that he’s military, and Buck is very much interested. 

There’s an itch under his skin, a loneliness that carves through his heart, and taking this guy to the bathroom and getting on his knees for him sounds more than fucking ideal. 

So he flags down the bartender (which isn’t hard, considering it’s just them) and orders a glass of eggnog for the hot soldier and for himself. 

A spike of adrenaline courses through him and he feels a little less like he’s about to crawl out of his skin at the familiarity of this routine, of the dance of flirting that inevitably leads to something more. 

He watches amusedly as the man’s brows furrow in confusion when the bartender places the drink in front of him. At that, the bartender gestures towards Buck, who suddenly feels like a deer caught in the headlights when the man’s gaze turns to him questioningly. 

...Which is odd because he’s not used to feeling that way anymore, hasn’t been the awkward pre-teen who didn’t know how to talk to anyone in years, but there’s something about the man that’s disarming.

Either way, he pushes through it, cracks a hesitant grin and smirks, “I hope you’re not lactose intolerant.” 

The man barks out a laugh, caught off guard, and seems to relax into his seat just the slightest. “Nah. Got a strong stomach.”

“Good, then,” he says, his face splitting into a wide grin. He stands and moves over to the vacant seat next to the man, “I’m Buck.”

“Eddie,” he returns, raising his glass of eggnog in greeting, “Thanks for this, by the way.”

“Anytime.”

Now that he’s closer, he can see the silver band wrapped around Eddie’s finger and _fuck_ , he’s married. So much for sucking his dick. 

Swallowing down the brief pang of disappointment, he watches as Eddie takes a careful sip, his expression immediately puckering as it hits. “Shit, I didn’t think it would be that strong.”

He chuckles, “Oh yeah, it can do some real damage.” 

Eddie raises an amused eyebrow at him, the corner of his mouth tugging upwards, “Are you saying that from experience?”

“Tried and tested,” Buck grins widely, and Eddie laughs a little into his glass as Buck defends, “Though to be fair, I was sixteen and way more of a lightweight than I am now.”

“So what does that make you now, seventeen?”

Buck asks, teasingly and maybe a little flirtatiously, “Do I _look_ like I’m seventeen?”

Eddie pretends to appraise him and shrugs halfheartedly, smirking, “Guess not.” 

Buck grins and takes a slow swig of his eggnog, turning his body slightly towards Eddie’s when he sets his glass back down, “So tell me, what’s a soldier doing in a sad airport bar on Christmas day?”

Eddie glances at him curiously, “How’d you know I’m military?”

Buck raises an eyebrow at him as if to say _only everything about you_ , and Eddie laughs, “Yeah, okay, guess I walked myself into that one.” 

The smile slowly slips off his face, though, and Buck already misses it. 

“I’m trying to get home to my kid,” Eddie says, fiddling with his glass, “Though I was already supposed to be in Texas yesterday, so it hasn’t really been panning out so far.”

“You on the flight to Dallas?”

Eddie nods and Buck didn’t think it was possible for him to look even more dejected, but he does. He makes a sympathetic noise, “Me too. Sorry you’re stuck here, man.” 

“It’s alright,” Eddie sighs, hanging his head over his glass, “Not much I can do about it now.”

“Not unless Santa feels like pulling out a Christmas miracle,” Buck tries to grin. 

Eddie laughs, and even though there’s a trace of sadness to it, Buck still considers it a victory. “Yeah, I’m not gonna hold my breath.”

“Probably for the best,” Buck smiles, then nudges him gently, “So, tell me about your kid.” 

A fond smile softens Eddie’s expression almost immediately at the mention of his child, and he exudes a quiet warmth which Buck can almost imagine seeping through his cold skin, thawing him from the inside out. 

“His name’s Christopher,” Eddie provides as he pulls out his phone and shows him his lock screen, which is a picture of a child with soft curls and bright eyes grinning up at the camera. “He’s four, and he’s...the best.”

“He’s adorable,” Buck says genuinely, his voice becoming soft as he asks, “How long’s it been since you’ve seen him?”

“Seven months,” Eddie sighs, staring down at his drink, “It’s...getting harder and harder to leave him. Sometimes I don’t know what’s harder, staying away or only coming back just to have to say goodbye.” 

“Yeah, I don’t know. That must be hard,” Buck says softly, even though he doesn’t really know anything about that. There was a time when he thinks he would’ve done anything to hear his own father speak about him the way Eddie speaks about Christopher, to know that his father missed him in any sort of way, but he gave up on that a long time ago. 

He’s saved from that further line of thought as Eddie groans, rubbing a hand over his face and apologizing, “Sorry, I’m in a mood. I don’t usually unload on strangers in bars like this.”

Buck shrugs easily, smiling, “That’s all I do, so you’re in good company.”

Of course, he means it in a slightly different sense, but Eddie doesn’t have to know the specifics. 

Eddie considers him for a moment, and Buck isn’t sure what he finds but he seems to trust Buck’s genuineness and relaxes, slumping in his chair before he exhales, “It’s just...this was supposed to be the one thing I could do for him, you know? And I couldn’t even do that.” 

Buck doesn’t know what leads him to press his arm against Eddie’s, but a small thrill shoots down his spine when the other man doesn’t pull away, only relaxes just the slightest at the contact. 

“I’m sure he’ll just be happy to have his dad home.” 

“I hope,” Eddie says, bringing his glass up to finish off his eggnog. 

Buck lets the quiet linger for a moment before he throws the rest of his eggnog down his throat and stands from his seat, “Come on, we need to get out of here.”

Eddie looks up at him uncertainly, his brows furrowing and forming a crease in his forehead. “...And where to?”

“Not sure, but I can’t let you sit here and mope around all night. I’m sure we can find some way to kill the next few hours that isn’t drowning ourselves in cheap alcohol.” 

The bartender shoots him an unimpressed glare at that and he has enough decency to send an apologetic grimace her way before turning back to Eddie, who’s looking unconvinced. “Buck, I don’t really know if I’m the best company right now.”

“A little bit of brooding isn’t gonna scare me off,” Buck dismisses before hesitating, “Look, no hard feelings if you just wanna be left alone, but personally I could think of worse ways to spend my Christmas.” 

“I’m touched,” Eddie rolls his eyes but seems to relent all the same, a small and hesitant grin breaking across his face. “But okay, sure. If you’re sure, that is.”

Buck nods emphatically, puffing out his chest, “Of course I am. Consider it my civic duty.” 

“Yeah, alright,” Eddie laughs, “Thanks for your service, then.” 

“It’s my honor,” he postures dramatically, “Okay, I’ve decided that our first order of business is finding some hot chocolate. It’s not Christmas without it.” 

“Very true,” Eddie agrees, gesturing in the opposite direction, “I think I saw a Starbucks around the corner.” 

Buck smirks, following Eddie’s lead as they make their way over, “Wouldn’t have pegged you as a Starbucks kind of guy.”

“I’m not, but I’ve had worse,” he says, “You should taste the stuff they try to give us at our base. I’d take Starbucks any day.”

“You’re telling me they don’t have luxury cafes over there? I might have to reconsider enlisting,” Buck teases. 

They reach the Starbucks, which - like the rest of the airport - is pretty deserted. No one else is in line, so they’re able to walk up and order two peppermint hot chocolates easily. 

After they order and move to the counter, Eddie asks in a low voice, “You’re planning on enlisting?”

“Oh, uh - not really?” Buck says, explaining, “I’ve thought about it, here and there. Might be nice to - you know - _do_ something with my life.”

Eddie gives him a weird look, his expression morphed into something Buck can’t decipher. “There’s a lot you can do, man. Not all heroes serve on the battlefield.”

Buck grins, playfully nudging his shoulder, “That sounds like some bullshit you tell civilians to make themselves feel better.” 

Eddie looks surprised at being called out but he just laughs and defends, “Okay, maybe, but it doesn’t make it any less true.” 

The barista calls out their orders and pushes the drinks towards them. Buck grabs them and hands one to Eddie as he challenges, “Okay, if that’s the case then why’d you join?”

“I don’t know, it seemed interesting,” Eddie says as he sits in a nearby chair, “The benefits aren’t too bad, either. I didn’t really feel like I had a lot of options when I enlisted.” 

Buck picks at the sleeve on his cup, “Do you still feel like you don’t? Have options, I mean.”

“Still figuring that one out,” Eddie smiles sadly before shaking his head and sitting up just a bit, “Okay, enough about me. What’s your deal?”

Buck swallows around a sip of hot chocolate as he shrugs nonchalantly, “Don’t got much of one.”

“I doubt that’s true,” Eddie smiles, “You from here?” 

“Nah, Pennsylvania. I was just passing through for a bit.” 

“Traveling?”

Buck nods, wrapping his hands all the way around his cup.

“That’s cool,” Eddie says, “I’ve never really been anywhere outside of El Paso until I got deployed to Afghanistan. Just a whole bunch of desert.” 

“I don’t know if I could do that, man. I like the cold too much.” 

“I’d take the heat any day,” Eddie comments, “But I guess it’s a good thing you’re not coming to Texas in the summer.”

“Oh, I just have a layover there. I’ve got a connecting flight to Brazil later on.” 

Eddie raises his eyebrows, almost impressed, as he takes a sip of his hot chocolate, “You know it’s not gonna be snowing in Brazil, right?”

Buck looks at him with feigned disbelief, smirking, “What? No one told me that.”

Eddie chuckles before sinking comfortably into his seat and fixes his gaze on Buck, and he continues, “Nah, you know, I like the cold but I’ve had a lifetime of it. A few months of sun isn’t gonna kill me.”

“Not unless you forget to wear sunscreen,” Eddie quips dryly.

“Which I will not be doing,” Buck insists, “I take sunscreen very seriously.” 

“Good. You seem like the type to turn into a burnt tomato the moment they step out into the sun.”

“Wow, you really know how to woo a guy,” Buck grins sarcastically. 

Eddie rolls his eyes in a way that seems almost fond before he pushes himself out of his chair and looks down at Buck, “You wanna walk around for a bit? I’m kinda sick of sitting.” 

“Yeah, sounds good to me,” Buck agrees, following Eddie’s lead. 

As they walk, Eddie tells him more about Chris, showing him pictures of Christopher, of finger paintings and macaroni art and everything in between, and Buck eats it all up. Eddie beams with a fierce pride and love for his son, and Buck doesn’t think he’s admired anyone, barring Maddie, more than he does Eddie in this moment. 

After a while, they end up grabbing pot pies from one of the restaurants and sitting in front of one of the large windows, watching the rain fall against the tarmac. A comfortable silence falls on them for a bit, both of them content to eat and watch on. The outline of everything becomes fuzzy and soft with the onpour, and there’s something comforting about the picture it paints. 

“I’ve always liked the rain,” Eddie says, breaking the silence.

Buck glances at him, smiling, “I thought you didn’t like the cold.”

“I have layers, Buck,” Eddie returns his smile, but it’s soft and wistful as he watches the rain outside, “I don’t know, it storms a lot in El Paso. Those were always my favorite days when I was a kid. Even now, still.” 

He finally pulls his gaze away from the window to look at Buck, his eyes warm and contemplative, and Buck has the ridiculous thought that he’s in love with this guy. 

A part of him briefly wonders what Eddie thinks of him, wonders if Eddie can see the desperation and loneliness tattooed across his skin. Maybe he thinks Buck is pathetic, sees through the way he latches on to a total stranger in an airport bar. The thought of it makes something twist in his stomach but he wouldn’t hold it against the other man. 

Because Eddie - Eddie has a _life_ , has a real job, a wife and kid back at home who clearly miss him, and Buck - 

Buck has nothing.

But maybe...maybe there’s also the possibility that he sees a kindred soul in Buck, just as Buck sees one in him. A particular loneliness clung to Eddie, and while its shape was different from that of Buck’s, it felt the same in the ways that mattered, made Buck want to give all of his broken pieces to him until it was enough. 

Because more than the loneliness, more than the sadness, Eddie radiates a gentle kindness, quiet but firm, and Buck will bask in it for however long he can, like a mosquito drawn to a flame. 

He’ll do that, and he hopes he gives something back. 

When they hear the announcement over the intercom that their flight will board in a half-hour, they both push themselves out of their seats and gather their trash. It’s only a ten or so minute walk to their gate, but they’re both eager to board the plane and relax in their seats. 

Eddie stalls when they pass a restroom and tells Buck, “Hey, I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick. Meet you back out here?” 

There’s a shop just across the restroom, so he says, “Yeah. I think I’ll stock up on snacks while you’re at it - you want anything in particular?”

“Anything chocolate,” Eddie grins, “I can pay you back.”

“Nah, my treat,” Buck waves him off. 

“Buck-” 

“Really, dude, it’s all good. I would’ve bought a bunch of snacks for myself anyway. If anything you’re saving me from eating them all myself.”

He considers Buck for a moment before relenting, “Thanks - I owe you, man.”

He pats Buck gently on the shoulder before heading in the other direction, and Buck swears he can feel the warmth of his touch through his layers. 

A few minutes later finds him with a healthy supply of candy and chips, and he’s just about to check out when he notices a row of stuffed animals on the opposite wall, among them a plush and frankly adorable stuffed baby penguin. 

He chalks it up to the eggnog that he pulls it down from its display and brings it to the checkout line along with his other purchases, even though if he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t remotely impacted by the drink. Still, he doesn’t question it much, not even as the absurd price flashes across the cash register. 

And maybe he should have thought it through even just a little bit more, because Eddie’s soon walking back from the restroom and Buck’s just standing there like an idiot, awkwardly clutching a penguin stuffed animal in his hand. 

When Eddie notices it, an amused look dances across his face. He raises an eyebrow, “What’s that?”

“A penguin?” Buck responds, scrunching his face sheepishly, “I thought Chris might like it.”

Eddie looks at him in a way that he really has no idea how to interpret, so he continues, a bit desperately, “I, uh - I hope it’s okay that I got it. You don’t have to give it to him, obviously - but it just looked cute and it’s super soft-”

“Buck, he’ll love it. Thank you,” Eddie smiles, and Buck wants to drown in it. 

“Yeah, man, it’s nothing,” Buck says, “Oh, and for us, I got the good stuff.”

He rifles through the plastic bag to pull out a box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates, and Eddie immediately brightens. 

“Oh, so we’re getting fancy,” Eddie smirks, and Buck wants to kiss him so badly, wants to feel the curve of those lips against his own. 

But instead he just returns Eddie’s grin, “If not on Christmas, then when?”

Eddie raises his hands in mock defense, “Hey, I got no complaints over here.” 

They get to the gate just as people start to line up to board, even though there’s still some time before they’re going to begin letting people on. 

But pretty much as soon as they get in line, Eddie grabs his shoulder, “Hey, save my spot - I’ll be right back.”

Caught off guard, Buck barely has a chance to respond before Eddie’s already off. 

When he returns a few minutes later, it’s with a stuffed golden retriever wearing a Santa hat, a dopey smile stitched on its face. 

“Eddie, what-”

“Merry Christmas,” Eddie grins, shoving the stuffed animal into Buck’s hands. 

“You didn’t have to get me anything, man.”

“I know,” he smiles, “But I saw it when we passed the shop, and I thought I was seeing double. All it’s missing is a birthmark”

“Ha ha,” Buck rolls his eyes, even as he strokes his thumb across the soft fur of the stuffed animal. 

Eddie rubs the back of his neck, looking briefly uncomfortable, “If you don’t have room for it, don’t feel like you have to keep it.”

“No, it’s perfect. Thanks, Eddie.”

“It’s nothing,” Eddie tries to wave him off. 

“It’s not nothing,” Buck challenges lightly, smiling, “Now I got a travel buddy.”

Eddie jokes, “So what am I, chop liver?”

“Yep,” Buck teases, playfully nudging his elbow against Eddie’s side. 

At that point, the gate agents start the boarding process, and it’s not long until they’re settled comfortably in their seats. Eddie insists on letting Buck have the window seat, and Buck doesn’t fight him. From the small window, the city lights of Miami shimmer in the haze of the rain, barely distinguishable but beautiful all the same. 

When he turns back, he notices Eddie had been staring out as well. There’s a distracted look to his gaze, and Buck presses his shoulder against Eddie’s to get his attention. “It’s pretty, huh?” 

“Yeah,” Eddie says. 

Buck settles into his seat, resting his head against the back before tilting it to glance back at Eddie. “You gonna try to get some shut-eye?” 

Eddie’s expression tightens for a moment before he answers, “Uh, no - I think I’ll just stay up. You?”

“Same,” Buck says, even though he had been looking forward to knocking out only a few hours ago. 

“Well if you’re gonna be awake, you wanna watch a movie?” 

And it’s really ridiculous how glad Buck is at the suggestion, at the implication that Eddie would want to spend more time with him, but he thinks he does a decent job of not betraying any of it. “Yeah, man. Any suggestions?”

“You choose,” Eddie offers. 

“Okay,” Buck considers, “You ever watch _Elf_?” 

“No, actually. I never got around to it.”

“It’s my favorite Christmas movie,” Buck grins, adding, “Also the only one I’ve seen.” 

“You’re kidding,” Eddie says with a tone of disbelief. 

“Nope,” Buck pops. 

“How is that possible?”

He shrugs, not really having a short answer for that. 

“Okay,” Eddie laughs, “Well _Elf_ it is then.”

A small burst of joy shoots through him at the prospect of having someone to watch it with this Christmas. After it was released, it became tradition for him and Maddie to watch it every year during the holiday season, and in the years since Maddie left, he kept up with it, never going Christmas without watching it. As he curled up by himself each year, he could almost convince himself Maddie was beside him, her gentle hand sifting through his curls as he rested his head on her lap like he would when he was a kid. Even when he was alone, the memory never failed to cast a glow around him, enveloped him in its warmth and protected him from the loneliness that otherwise threatened to swallow him. 

But this year he has someone to share in it with, and he’s giddy with it.

Thankfully they’re able to find the movie on the in-flight service and queue it up. After Buck breaks out the Ferrero Rochers and a bag of popcorn, they wrap themselves in the blankets provided by the airline and start the movie, and it’s nice. 

Having to share Buck’s earbuds to watch the movie, they’re in each other’s space, Eddie a solid and warm line against him. He lets himself lean into the contact just the slightest, soaking it up, and Eddie doesn’t pull away, just relaxes into it as well, and it makes Buck fall for him all the more. 

It only takes a few minutes for them to realize that both snacks are enjoyed better together, the sweetness of the chocolate and the saltiness of the popcorn a heavenly combination, and so they make a good dent in both stashes as they absorb themselves in the plot of the movie. 

It’s familiar and comforting to Buck, who’s seen it countless times, and by the way Eddie laughs throughout, gentle yet full, he seems to be enjoying it, too. Eddie’s contentment makes him love the movie a little bit more, he thinks. 

When they reach the part where Buddy introduces them to his breakfast spaghetti, Buck whispers, “You know, it’s actually pretty good.” 

Eddie shoots him a look of horror, his face scrunching in disgust, “Don’t tell me you made it.”

Buck nods proudly, grinning, “I begged my sister to make it after we watched it the first time. We threw in a bunch of random shit but it was very gourmet.”

Eddie shakes his head, pretending to lament, “I think Italians everywhere are rolling in their grave.”

“It’s a twist on a classic, Eddie,” Buck defends with gusto. 

“And super nutritious, I bet,” Eddie laughs, “Maybe I’ll wait to watch this with Chris until he’s got less of a sweet tooth. Don’t need him getting any ideas.”

“You’re just scared ‘cause you know that once you have it that way, you can never go back to boring marinara.”

“Yeah, somehow I’m not too worried about that.” 

They tune back into the movie, sinking into their seats as they follow along with the plot. Buck can basically quote the movie at this point, and much to Eddie’s feigned annoyance, he does at times. 

Before he knows it, they’re approaching the end of the film, and a tear slips down his face as Jovie gets the crowd at Central Park to sing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” to raise Christmas spirit - it gets him every time, no matter how many times he’s seen it. 

As he swipes his cheek, he looks over at Eddie, expecting to be teased, only to find Eddie also trying to subtly wipe away a tear with the back of his hand. 

“You’re crying,” Buck says, somewhat in awe, “I _knew_ you were a big softie.”

A harsh laugh escapes Eddie and he retorts, “Mind your business, Buck.”

Eventually the movie ends, and figuring that they still had some time to kill before they landed, Eddie suggests _Home Alone_ , insisting on expanding Buck’s Christmas movie repertoire, and Buck has absolutely no complaints. 

Most of the other passengers are asleep, so they try to make an effort to contain their laughter, but Buck feels light and happy in a way that hasn’t been familiar in a while.

As the plane lands and they deboard, though, the feeling slowly fades, a cold dread taking its place at the understanding that their time together is almost over, that Eddie will go off with his family and that he’ll be alone again. 

They’re both slow with tiredness as they grab their luggage from the baggage claim, and then all that’s left is to part ways. 

Except, it’s hard to miss the way Eddie becomes slightly rigid, the lines of his form held more tightly than they had been. There’s something about the sight that puts a pit in Buck’s stomach, so he presses his shoulder against Eddie’s in that way that’s already become so familiar and comforting to him within a few hours, and he’d feel more ridiculous about it if not for the way that tension seems to bleed from Eddie at the contact.

“You nervous to see your kid?”

“A bit,” Eddie admits, tightening his hold on his bag, “I kinda feel like I ruined his Christmas. I wouldn’t really blame him if he was upset with me.” 

“Come on, he’s four. I doubt he can hold much of a grudge,” Buck reassures. 

Eddie seems to accept it, softens just the slightest. “You’re probably right.” 

“I’m always right,” Buck grins. 

“I don’t know if I said that,” Eddie teases, smiling as he squints his eyes in a way that Buck finds adorable. 

With nothing left to say and yet so much, the inevitable goodbye hangs over them, and it’s uncomfortable. He’s never really been good at this part, at goodbyes in general, each one taking a larger and larger piece of him and he wasn’t sure how many more he was supposed to take and still be whole. 

He rolls on his heels anxiously, looking around the baggage claim before coughing, “Well, I-I guess I should get going. I gotta catch my next flight, but um, it was nice meeting you, Eddie.” 

“Buck,” he says, his hand loosely circling Buck’s forearm, and a guarded vulnerability breaks through Eddie’s expression as he swallows, “Thank you, for today. It meant a lot.” 

“Yeah - yeah, of course. I...I know I wasn’t who you planned on spending Christmas with, but I’m glad we met,” he blinks slowly, his heart pounding heavily in his chest, “Merry Christmas, Eddie.”

Eddie’s eyes twinkle warmly as he flashes Buck a genuine, soft smile, and it’s so unfair. “Merry Christmas, Buck.” 

He pats Buck’s shoulder and then he’s turning away, heading in the opposite direction. Barely a moment later, the joyful cry of a child cuts across the terminal, “Daddy!” 

As soon as Eddie locks eyes on his kid, he’s off, cutting across the terminal and dropping his bags to sweep his son into his arms. The boy - _Chris_ , his mind supplies - giggles loud and happy, wrapping his tiny arms around Eddie’s neck. Buck doesn’t miss the way Eddie’s shoulders tremble as he presses a kiss to his son’s curls, clinging to him with everything in him. 

He watches as Eddie’s wife considers her husband for a moment. They seem to share a careful look before she joins them, drawing Eddie and Chris into a gentle hug. 

As Buck looks on at the picture of them together, he can almost imagine a warm glow encompassing the family as they hold onto each other, and Eddie - he shines so fucking bright. 

There’s a tug in Buck’s chest at the sight, something painful and longing, and there’s only so long he can look on before his eyes start to burn. He hitches his pack on his shoulder and heads toward the gate for his connecting flight, joy and despair swirling uncomfortably within him as he puts more and more distance between himself and Eddie.

The aching emptiness returns, and he feels stupid as he finds an empty corner of the airport to release the pressure behind his eyes, to grapple with the understanding that whatever Eddie had with his family wasn’t meant for him, no matter how badly he wanted it. 

So that Christmas and in the years that followed, he tried to be okay with knowing that he wouldn’t have loved ones who wanted him near, or Christmas traditions with a family of his own. He’d have the hot press of a body against his and the bitter taste of them on his tongue as they left, and he could convince himself it was enough.

But life works in funny ways. 

It brings Eddie and Christopher back into his life a few years later and he falls in love with them all over again, lets them weave him into their little family until Buck can’t remember ever being alone. 

It gives him moments that feel like coming home, like the night he helps tuck Christopher into bed and sees the penguin stuffed animal from all those years ago, or the December he walks into the Diaz home and finds a stocking with his name stitched into the fabric hung atop the fireplace. 

It gives him a family to create new traditions with, to make the _Elf_ spaghetti with each holiday season, to indulge him as he insists on drowning the house in Christmas lights each year, to share presents and joy with on Christmas day. 

It takes time for him to untangle the truths he had taught himself so long ago, to accept that there was a place for him with people who wanted him, to come home. 

But he does, and the rest of his Christmases are filled with love and joy. 

**Author's Note:**

> happy holidays, y'all! if you enjoyed, please consider leaving kudos/comments! they make my day :)


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